Wednesday, April 22, 1998
On this week’s ‘Trash Talk’ we examine talent with Eddie
Jones
COLUMN: Bad boy Rider won’t fare well against L.A.’s All-Star
Boy Scout
(Background music) Brrruummpp- bump bump-bump-bump. "Workin’ all
week, nine-to-five for that money. When the weekend comes, I go get
live with the honeys …"
Announcer: Yeeeaahh, what it is. It’s time now for everybody’s
favorite show …
"Talkin’ Trash with J.R. Rider."
Brought to you by the people at Bobby Ray’s Bail Bonds and 357
Magnum Malt Liquor – "The 40-ouncer that packs a wallop, both in
your stomach and upside some dumb mutha’s skull."
So put yo’ hands together for the man who’s done more community
service than the Boy Scouts (though not by choice) … J.R.
Riiiiderrrr!
(Audience applause)
Rider: What up, dawgs?
Spittin’ game beside me, as always, is my faithful sidekick,
Bill Romanowski. What up, Bill?
(Romanowski hawks a loogie in Rider’s general direction.)
Before we start the show today, I just want to send a special
shout out to my man Alonzo Spellman. I been there, and I feel ya’.
All the brotha wanted to do was have his nervous breakdown in
peace, but no. The Man had ta go hasslin’ a brotha, forcin’ him to
barricade himself in his P.R. guy’s house.
Romanowski: Man, I remember when you lost it a couple years ago
in Minnesota and refused to leave the court when they threw you out
of a game. Your mom finally had to come down out of the stands and
tell you to stop makin’ a damn fool out of yourself.
Announcer: Speaking of J.R.’s mamma, girl got so many gaps in
her teeth, it looks like her tongue’s in jail. She’s so fat, she
had to be baptized at Sea World. And she’s so ugly …
Rider: Hey, enough already! Get off’a mommas, guys, ’cause I
just got off’a your’s. (Drum-roll)
Anyway, we’ve got a hell of a show for ya tonight, so let’s get
to it.
Our first guest tonight is a young shooting guard from the Los
Angeles Lakers, Eddie Jones.
(Audience applause)
It’s great to have you on the show, Eddie.
Jones: Thanks.
Rider: Now, Eddie is a little different from our usual guests
here on the show, because he doesn’t actually talk trash.
(The audience gasps.)
Now, Eddie, is there some kind of physical problem? Will your
mouth simply not form the "your momma’s" and "you got no game’s"
necessary for proper trash talk?
Jones: No.
Rider: Well, are ya’ just too stupid to come up with caps to
say?
Jones: No.
Rider: Oooh-kaay. Well, great talkin’ with you, Eddie.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, Eddie’s drawn the unfortunate task of
trying to guard me in the up-coming first round of the
playoffs.
As I told reporters on Sunday, "Obviously, Eddie’s a good
player, he’s an all-star, but to me, I don’t think he can touch
me."
What do you say ta that, my man?
Jones: I think you’re wrong.
Rider: Well, how ’bout what I said on Monday, "I can post Eddie
Jones up all day.
"The Lakers are going to have to make a decision. They’re going
to have to double-team me."
Jones: I disagree.
Rider: Man, doesn’t anything make you mad enough to talk
back?
Jones: No, I let my game speak for me.
Rider: You what? Man, that is the craziest damn thing I’ve ever
heard. Did you hear that, Bill?
Romanowski: (Spits in their direction.) Crazy.
Rider: Man, who do you think you are, Grant Hill? That
goodie-two-shoes stuff just won’t cut it in today’s professional
sports. Walkin’ the walk just isn’t enough: You gotta learn to talk
the talk, too. Right, Bill?
(Romanowski nods and spits in their direction.)
How do you think you’re gonna guard somebody like me without a
little trash?
Romanowski: Actually, J.R., I was looking at the stats before
the show, and last year in the playoffs Eddie held you to
37.2-percent shooting, while he shot 59.3. And when you guys played
this year, he held you to 42.9 percent and about five points less
than your average.
Announcer: Here’s an idea – why don’t we gather up all those
bricks J.R.’s been shooting and build a convenience store, so he
has someplace to work in a few years?
Romanowski: Over those same games, Eddie out-scored and
out-rebounded you. And he poured in 28 against you in February when
you said "He can’t handle me."
(Spits in Rider’s direction.) Look’s like Eddie’s been smacking
you around like Greg Ostertag.
Rider: Man, shut up!I thought this show was called "Talkin’
Trash with J.R. Rider," not "Talkin’ Trash to J.R. Rider."
Announcer: Come on, J.R., the fact is that in the past two
seasons, Eddie’s made the All-Star lineup almost as many times as
you’ve made the police lineup.
Rider: Man, you know those arrests were just examples of the
racist Portland fans trying to perpetrate criminal injustices on a
poor brotha’ who ain’t done nuthin’ to nobody. If I want to smoke a
little dope and shoot some craps on a street corner, that’s my
business. And that airline worker deserved to be spit on, not doing
what I told her to and all.
You can understand that, can’t you Bill?
Romanowski: Sure. (Spits at him.)
Rider: Anyway, I’m afraid that’s all the time we have for
today’s show.
Eddie, it’s been great talking at you, as always. And I look
forward to gettin’ swept by you guys this week.
Jones: Thanks.
Rider: Tune in tomorrow, when we’ll discuss what to do when the
police catch you with a couple of stolen cell phones.
Seeeeee yaaa!
Kariakin has not learned that some ideas work better on TV than
in a newspaper. E-mail responses to [email protected].