Thursday, December 10, 1998
Hiding true feelings hurts self-expression
EMOTIONS: Societal standards
of acceptability, conformity hurt communication, threaten
minds
Sister Patricia glared over her owl rimmed glasses. "If you
don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all." Thirty
pairs of unblinking, seven-year-old eyes stared back. Some nodded.
Some giggled. Some traced the tops of their desks. But being the
brat that I was, I said, "I can say whatever I want."
Things haven’t changed much since then. This philosophy of
uncensored self-expression is still my grounding force. It is why I
took up writing and why I am who I am. It enables me to keep my
individuality in a world that constantly urges us to cut and edit
every utterance in order to fit a tailor-made mold of
acceptability. But in reality, more should embrace the virtues of
uninhibited candor, particularly when confronting emotions.
One of the first rules I learned as a writer was to disregard
society’s ideals of niceness. "Nice" is a trite, nebulous word with
multiple connotations. "Nice" is pleasant, delicate, modest or
polite. It is also constraining.
"Nice" is the epitome of social acceptability and repression. It
limits the spectrum of emotional expression. "Nice" is what society
wants to see – happy, cheery and positive at all times. These are
prime emotions to have, but the truth is that no one can possess
them constantly. Nonetheless, there is an unwritten rule stating
that we are to march about with smiles regardless of our true
emotions. Some may call this optimism, but it is beyond optimism.
It is a delusion because it is impossible. It also creates a
situation in which we suppress a natural extension of ourselves –
emotions including anger, sadness, pride and shame.
The result is twofold: a society in which we creep around each
other’s sensitivities instead of imparting truth on one another, an
isolation due to the internal lock on emotions.
This situation proves precarious for two reasons. First, honest
communication of emotions lengthens the life of sanity.
Consequently, what we practice shortens it. We harbor a
preoccupation with what others think as opposed to what we feel. As
a result, we grapple with undesirable emotions in private.
Unfortunately, two of the emotions most often suppressed are two
of the most salient: anger and sorrow. This is a deleterious
situation that lines the pockets of prosperous psychiatrists
everywhere. We tell trained professionals our feelings instead of
communicating with the ones around us. This is evident in various
facets of our culture. Take, for example, the talk-show
phenomenon.
Part of the preoccupation with talk shows in our society is due
to the fact that expression of emotions has been made taboo. There
is a primal root in watching people throw chairs at each other on
"The Jerry Springer Show," because rage is natural. We are taught,
however, to suppress it. On talk shows they take natural emotions
to an extreme and – in doing so – compensate for our emotional
suppression as a societal whole. To further highlight their dissent
from the norm, talk shows express forbidden emotions in the most
blatant, uncouth way of all – on national TV. In doing so, they go
against every norm we have been taught since birth. In particular,
they dare to air everyone’s "dirty laundry."
Not airing one’s dirty laundry is a facet of emotional
repression tied closely to our treatment of abuse and rape in
society. All too often, survivors of these situations feel they
must struggle with their burdens alone. This is due to the fact
that we have drawn a large divide between the private and public
domain. In doing so, we create an environment that fosters shame
and isolation. To further complicate the situation, both of these
predicaments create feelings of anger and sadness, the expression
of which society considers unacceptable. As such, a cycle is
created between shame, isolation and forbidden emotions.
The second problem with our policy of emotional suppression is
that it impedes communication. If the first point is viewed as
relating to preservation of the self, this point can be viewed as
parallel to preservation of relationships.
As it stands, communication is difficult – yet we complicate the
situation further by binding our honesty. If we were to express
emotions openly to begin with, it would prevent doubt and confusion
later on. Men aren’t from Mars and women aren’t from Venus. They
just keep circumventing each other due to their inability to
successfully communicate emotions.
Men in particular are an example of society’s suppression, in
that they are taught at an early age to filter emotions. It is
acceptable for men to express anger (a masculine emotion),
preferably by beating each other into an oblivion. Sorrow, on the
other hand, is unacceptable. But to have a healthy relationship,
one must be able to express a full spectrum of emotions.
One of the major differences between my rearing and that of my
brother’s is that when he fell at the park and began to cry, he was
told to be a little man. Translation: "Be quiet and take it, or
you’ll be called a wussie at school."
I, on the other hand, was picked up and consoled. I was taught
that crying elicits comfort and sympathy, he was taught that it
evokes scorn and ridicule. This message inhibits men’s willingness
to cry openly and even extends to other expressions of sorrow. The
fact that crying is natural, normal and therapeutic (regardless of
gender) is ignored in the wake of norms and acceptability.
Take as another example of our emotional suppression the casual
use of the phrase, "How are you?" Throughout the day, we ask people
for updates on their emotional status, never expecting any deviance
from the answer, "Fine." In truth, we’re usually not prepared to or
do not want to hear another answer because it would require delving
into the emotional arena we so ardently avoid.
When someone does give a different answer, we are taken aback at
their defiance of norms. These norms tell us that, to the world, we
are always fine, regardless of our true emotions. This accentuates
the barricade between private and public existence, creating a
hapless situation that forces us to deal with feelings alone.
Consequently, I say to you that the next time you feel the urge
to be acceptable, you should first ask yourself if you are being
honest, both to yourself and to others.
Expression is of paramount value and it’s important that we do
what we must to preserve it. Yell at someone – perhaps – or write a
scathing letter. Beat a punching bag, maybe. These are all forms of
emotional expression. Depriving yourself of emotional expression is
not health, regardless of how unappealing those emotions may be.
Suppression and denial are far more unappealing.
Alicia Roca
Roca is a second-year communication studies student. E-mail her
at [email protected].
Comments, feedback, problems?
© 1998 ASUCLA Communications Board[Home]