As I write this I am sitting at a desk in the Washington D.C.
Superior Court, saving this over something called
mobconfession.doc. No, I am not here on criminal charges. I intern
here. Yes, I am an intern in Washington D.C. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
ha, ha. That was for the clever joke you probably just thought of
about Monica Lewinsky. Let former mayor Marion Barry and I be your
guides to this unique metropolis.
Life out here on the Potomac isn’t all fun. This is a city
where you can get right inside the gears of government and gum them
up yourself, rather than gumming them up from a distance. It is a
place where some of the greatest figures of our history have trod.
Plus, it’s hotter than the air between the flaps of Rush
Limbaugh’s back fat out here. Washington D.C. is home to a
special brand of air called, “stank” which is 10
percent nitrogen, 5 percent oxygen, and 85 percent human sweat and
swamp gas.
In other Washington weather news, city ordinances require 20
minutes of rain between 5 and
7 p.m. daily. This is to support the large number of people
hocking umbrellas on the street, as well as to mitigate at least
some of the stank.
California interns will certainly have another more important
concern about coming to Washington D.C.: eating. It is almost
impossible to lose weight in D.C., mostly because of the high
protein content of the stank. Also, if you are looking for Mexican
food there is none to be found, save for the “fried chicken
with salsa” that is available in many of D.C.’s finer
restaurants.
Some of you might be nervous to embark on a D.C. internship
experience. “Don’t people get killed a lot
there?” you might ask. Not to worry. Mayor Marion Barry once
said, “I promise you a police car on every sidewalk,”
and he meant it.
D.C. is divided into four quadrants: NW, NE, SW, and SE. Much
like in Los Angeles, the farther south and east you go, the more
likely you are to die. Again, you can turn to Marion Barry for
solace, who once said, “Outside of the killings, Washington
has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.” This is
probably due to the fact that it is impossible to get a jaywalking
ticket, even if you were run over in the middle of the street and
you needed the paper for a tourniquet.
As an intern it is your duty to find a way to work every day.
This most likely means you’ll be taking the metro. The
Washington, D.C. metro system has many advantages over the Los
Angeles metro system, in that it goes to more than two places. It
is also superior to the New York subway system in that it
doesn’t smell like bourbon and urine.
Another unusual feature of the metro is the ghost trains. Each
metro line is designated by a color. Every once in a while,
however, a train on the non-existent gray line will come blasting
through, lights off, and carrying no passengers except a driver and
two hobos passed out in the back. The ghost trains date back to the
war between the states, when gray-coated confederate prisoners of
war were forced to dig vast tunnels under the capital.
Unfortunately, they were left there after the war, all of them
choking to death on each other’s fashionably oversized beards
and mustaches.
This is where the law of the land is made. You can visit the
National Archives and see the original Constitution itself, as well
as several other important documents. For instance, they have on
display the copy of the Constitution that Andrew Jackson used as
toilet paper when he exiled the Cherokees. They also have a copy of
the speech Dan Quayle gave when he accepted the vice presidential
nomination, and the box of Crayolas he used to write it. You should
also check out the Kennedys’ private collection of bar
napkins with women’s phone numbers on them while
they’re still on display. Make sure you go and find out just
why, as Marion Barry asks, “What right does Congress have to
go around making laws just because they deem it
necessary?”
By now you’ve noticed that I quote Marion Barry a lot. Let
me note for the record that these quotes are all real, and come
from a highly important reference work, “The 267 Stupidest
Things Democrats/Republicans Ever Said,” compiled by Ted
Rueter. The reason I’ve done so is to note another aspect of
D.C.: political partisanship. I think it’s hilarious that an
idiot like Marion Barry can get re-elected mayor of D.C., even
after being caught on videotape with crack and a former mistress,
but we impeach the president for a few extramarital slips of the
tongue (so to speak). What a town.
As I’ve said before, being an intern isn’t all about
oral sex. There are far more exciting things to do in the life of
an intern. You will become acquainted with the magical world of
filing. An intern must prance through alphabetizing, frolic along
the Dewey decimal system, and cavort lightly twixt the copy
machines.
Physicians recommend at least 15 minutes of cavorting daily to
ensure healthy knees and gums.
The life of an intern is not entirely wrapped around office
supplies. Depending on where you go, you could be doing anything
from running an anger management class (as I have been doing), to
escorting juvenile delinquents to a Mary J. Blige concert, to
hunting for green proteins and/or meeting Janet Reno. Your
internship will almost certainly open you up to a world of
opportunities that are only available to people willing to work for
free. Don’t worry too much about not getting paid. I like to
think that they double my salary every day. You’ll gain
respect anyway, and be considered three fifths of a colleague.
Then there is intern nightlife, which is of course, exactly like
being young anywhere in America. You find a place that has cheap
liquor, loud music, and is lax in their scrutiny of fake IDs.
Washington D.C. has no shortage of such establishments, not
surprising when you remember that this is where Ted Kennedy
works.
An important feature of dance clubs in D.C. is that it is
impossible to meet new people there. This is because people come in
groups, and close off those groups by dancing exclusively with
them. Such a circling of the wagons prevents all but the most
determined inebriates from breaking through and hitting on you.
Past all the phony artificial social hives we have created,
however, there are actual people to be encountered in D.C. Unlike
Los Angeles, people in D.C. will actually say hello to you as they
pass you on the street, and smile at each other. Maybe it’s
southern hospitality. Maybe it’s southern comfort. Whatever
the reason, it’s up to you to take advantage of this and
network as much as possible. Or, as you may find, it’s even
more advantageous to make your colleagues your friends as well.
That’s my report from Washington D.C., the city that never
dries. I hope you’ve learned a few things, and that your
visit will be as enjoyable as mine has been. Stuff yourself on
soft-shell crabs and you ought to come out alright.