By Jordan Blackman
From Kettle Korn to taking yoga class, from playing the latest
Street Fighter incarnation to purchasing the latest Clinique skin
care treatments, you can spend every penny to your university
creditor’s name and still feel academic.
After all, you are on a world-class campus in a world-class
city! “But sir,” you protest, “UCLA students
don’t spend their precious campus hours shopping. They spend
them parking!” Touché. But at the prices the school
charges to park, I would argue that UCLA parking is a legitimate
consumerism activity.
Consider how lucky we are to have a fleet of meter maids that
raid our coffers with the stealth and efficiency of the modern
American war machine. I say that our hearts should be gladdened to
finance the police officers that so happily and frequently pull
over students struggling to get to the classes they paid for.
That is why I’m all too happy to pay the parking fines and
traffic tickets that the UC regents have made sure we never have to
do without.
After all, it must be expensive to set up all those
administrative telephone systems in such a way that enrolled
students don’t ever have to speak with boring, breathing,
human beings. Why else would there not be enough money for frilly
extras like chairs and desks? Someone has to bite the bullet and
pay for the maze of request forms and regulations that make the
UCLA experience so challenging and exciting!
I must, however, scold the powers that be for not fully
realizing UCLA’s consumerism possibilities. Where is the
BruinCoaster? A double looping ride, looming over the main quad,
sponsored by the latest summer blockbuster, conveniently premiering
in Westwood Village with tickets at a special price ““ if you
have a Bruin Card.
And why not a giant UCLA casino? Where is the greyhound racing,
jai alai and underground boxing circuit that we students deserve? I
have heard secret rumblings that such attractions already exist in
clandestine and luxuriously appointed caverns below Royce Hall, but
only for those whose wallets are open and whose mouths are
closed.
Yet even though I dearly miss these essential facilities, it is
a pleasure to stroll the campus and experience diverse groups of
people, all of them gathering by Ackerman to accost students as we
hurry to our classes. I can’t help but admire the intractable
faith they each have in their own ideology.
One might suspect that these groups, after spending all year
within fifty feet of one another, might forget about their distrust
and hatred for each other, but in fact their chauvinism remain
persistently intact. Bravo!
I for one can understand their desire to court the complacent
masses. Blue and yellow warm-up suits dotting the courtyards and
commons from Franz to Fowler. Oh and look, matching blue and yellow
shoes! So proud are we to be Bruins, in our BearWear frocks and
socks. All over the Westside it’s hip to be a Bear!
And shouldn’t it be? After all the class, the friends, the
memories and most of all, the money, UCLA should mean a lot to us.
However, I’m beginning to feel an ever so slight decline in
the selling power of the UCLA brand; the ridiculous and sneaking
suspicion that UCLA might not be the idyllic institution it clearly
is.
That is why I believe UCLA needs to change its moniker to
something with the decadence and chic that the early 21st century
is quickly becoming known for. My suggestion: UCLA.com. This slight
change will increase UCLA’s marketability and perceived value
in the key market of 16 to 25-year-olds. And we can feel good
selling this product to the blessed children and hopeful parents of
this sanctified nation. Because UCLA.com is an education that is
more than just an alumni bumper sticker; it’s a vanity plate
too.