Men, be careful, disturbing news: A law is pending saying that
if you carry extra fat on your torso, you may not go out in public
without a shirt. Oh, no, just kidding ““ it only counts if the
extra fat is on your chest, and you happen to be a woman.
I don’t remember exactly when, but at some point between
the age of 5 and 10, I had to stop running through the sprinklers
in just underwear and put on a swimsuit. My boy cousins
didn’t. On hot, sweaty days in gym, the boys could strip to
their Herbert Slater Junior High shorts; I couldn’t even get
down to a sports bra. Now Liana Johnsson, a public defender from
Ventura County, has taken a “breast equality” plea to
Sacramento in order to secure equal rights on this subject for
women, only to be essentially laughed off the stage. When asked to
comment by the Los Angeles Times, Margita Thompson, spokesperson
for Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, replied, “You’ve got to
be kidding me.”
I certainly won’t claim this is California’s biggest
problem ““ we have prisons, health care and pollution to worry
about. But suddenly, for the first time in my liberal California
upbringing, I am feeling the true sting of sexism. I brought this
issue up recently with a male friend and foolishly expected a show
of support for the clearly gender-biased law that could land a
woman a citation for indecent exposure. His argument seemed to be
that women’s breasts might incite men to harass or molest the
offending 34Cs and their owner. That indeed would be a terrible
consequence, but I propose that the burden of fault would then lay
with the attacker, not the attacked.
The other argument I hear frequently raised on this issue is
that of offending others. First, let me state that anyone who
listens to a baby scream for a half-hour in a restaurant will begin
to beg that its mother put something in its mouth. That aside,
never once in my 23 years have I heard tell of a breast that swore,
made a derogatory remark about another person, or forcibly caused
someone else to look at it. My mouth can (and has) done most of
those things, and I am very careful to watch my tongue around those
who would be offended. My job on earth is not to see how many
people I can infuriate, but I didn’t cultivate my breasts on
purpose; they just grew there. I didn’t have any say in it,
yet I am told they may cause offense. Well, heaven forbid. Then I
should cover them. Cover my breasts, my legs, my mouth and my
ankles, because during the Renaissance those could throw men into a
fever pitch ““ cover up any part of me that could possibly
offend anyone or push anyone into an apoplectic fit of lust.
But wait, it gets better: Currently, a woman convicted of an
indecent exposure misdemeanor could have to register as a sex
offender under Megan’s Law. Breasts are not only a threat to
male sanity, they are a danger to the public!
No case like this has been brought to court, and experts claim
the possibility is very low, but their reasons for why it is
unlikely are missing the point.
Joe Rosato, a parks department spokesperson, points out that
rangers are not in the habit of giving citations to topless
females. Rosato says that instead the rangers ask the women to put
their tops on, and usually it’s 100 percent compliance. Well,
when an enforcement officer asks me to do anything, I usually
comply 100 percent, too ““ particularly if what I am doing is
against state laws. It’s not surprising that women comply;
what is surprising is that California maintains and defends a
gender-discriminating law.
We’ve fought for equity in voting, education, pay and
jobs, yet we’re still fighting to be able to be comfortable
and safe in the female body. Society will not crumble if I take my
top off at the beach, but the politically correct facade of gender
equality will certainly never solidify if such a law is permitted
to remain on the books.
Ellis is a third-year theater student.